Diary of Pain

that reflects my heart for the past few months

i thought i will be crazy, i am stupid, and thought of dying

 because i was so broken hear-ted,crying everyday, do not want to eat

the term was "walang gana"..

always asks questions, can't sleep, always thinking, bothered all the time

i do not even wanted to go out.

all i ever do is sleep, pretending to be

that was just an excuse for  me to cry.. 

pains, hurts its just that i never thought i could experience

so much pain in my heart, that even how hard i deny the feelings, it just grow and grow

i even made these pictures as my profile picture and cover to show, that i am really hurting

always thinking, am i replaceable?, am i not worth it, am i that sinful?

am i that bad, am i really an un believer now?, like i do not have the chance to change?

who really i am?

" you have left a scar in my heart

a block in my brain

you have caused me to cry everyday

you have caused me to lower ,myself down

i am always true to my words, i always keep my promises

you make me believe you are true, you are the one i always pray

my best friend...

we always say to each other

"walang iwanan ha kahit anung mangyari"

how could you say, i am a bad person?

a snake?, a traitor?, you have said words that i only hear after the 4 years of friendship

what is wrong with "i am just trying to help you"

for telling the truth.

you have asked me to give way because you will die if you will be removed

that i have nothing to loose, even it hurts me hearing those words i said yes, because you are

my BFF, 

and i never just thought for just that moment you have given me up,

you have dumped me, you just do not want me anymore

i remember your words, but i do not know if they are still true.

out of your selfishness, you have done that painful thing to me

how many times, you have pleaded me not to give up on you, i always listen to you

whenever you need help, i am always there, where nobody is there

but i am thinking now

na-aawa ako sayo, i now realized how badly you needed them for you to give up on me

because if the opposite thing did happened that would be worst, your daily routine will be new, 

and you can never forgive me...

i do not want to be the all blame

because i think, that what is happening now

i have tried many ways to settle past, but you are not open to do that

why?, because you are so afraid that they will know that you are communicating with me

or else.

it was so painful for the both of us...

I AM STILL THINKING, WORRYING ITS MY FIRST TIME AFTER FOUR YEARS

 TO CELEBRATE EVENTS WITHOUT YOU.

I COULD NEVER SEE YOUR SMILE

OUR FUN CONVERSATIONS.

but, let me tell you this

I realized i am strong, stronger than you are

you have only lost me, 

while i have lost a LOT

you can never be stronger than I am

and If that situation will ever happened again

you will keep doing the same thing, giving up people

so for own sake, for your life not to be ruined.

that I can lived without you

yes you are my BFF, i could never find someone like you

but you are not my sister, mother, father, husband, boyfriend,

for me to mourn everyday, waste my life.

thank you the best memories

i am tired waiting for the person who will never come back

yes, it is painful for us to end this ways

not to be celebrating happy occasions together.

the privileged to be introduced, greeted as BFF to people, events continues to hurt me

but i remember, you said, " i am nobody's bestfriend", that is my calling... 

but you have made a choice and i will respect it.

there is nothing i can do about that

now i know, in time we will meet again

i will be the new person you never thought i would be

 i hope you will never regret this.

i have decided to let go, to let you go.

and i know i will be okay because i am strong!!

you made me realize we are better off in separate ways, why?

to grow, to be someone GOD wants us to be

its safe, right?

 as i journey these pains, one person lifted me up

and you say i am an un believer, you treat me one

but i do not think so, yes i have made mistakes, we all do

i have repented, paid the price, suffered the consequences

and one thing i know

HE HAS NOT ABANDON ME....

HE IS A GOD, A FATHER, A HEALER.

if i am that sinner, that bad

HE wouldn't be here for me until now

HE would not answer my prayers, HE would cut His blessings

BUT HE NEVER DID!!!, HE NEVER DID... 

he has renewed my mind, my soul, my heart and my mind

and i am into trials now,

that is one of the signs that GOD is working on my life.

only GOD can do that...

 

I am claiming this and I am feeling it

and I thank you for you are the best blessing that happened in my life

for you are the reason that i met the greatest MAN in my life.

and HE is the one who is helping me right now

JESUS!!!!

 

 GOD helped me to go on, to be strong

HE is enough for me, through HIM

i can do all things, and i have done a lot of things.

a lot of blessings came to me...

 and as long as I AM STILL ALIVE

HE is still not done with me

i may have followed my own will and lost track

but HE is preparing the PERFECT ROAD for me.

and I am excited to know and fulfill them..

but once said, always said

you wanted me to see Happy, blooming

and you wanted me to live a life

so that there will be hope to see each other again.

i will hold on you accountable on that

one day, we will meet.

fully grown, used by the Lord, matured.

and continue our purposes

and we will just be laughing on the past memories.

i may not be there to journey with you and count more memories together

and that hurts, always brought me eyes to tears

because, people change, the friendship you 

  have with people right now will grow, as compared to me

we do not know...

thank you best friend..

see you soon.